are you way happier at the other side?

i hope, from the bottom of heart, that you are.

happier that youre no longer with someone who breaks you into pieces every night and fixes you every morning.

please be happy.

I've lost all appetite. I hate it when we fight. 

We've been having a great couple of days--no fighting. I've been doing my best to be appreciative and considerate of him. And I think he's been doing the same. But nooo, we just have to find a way to get on each other's nerves. 

I don't know if I'm overly sensitive, but it started when he suggested something was wrong with me. Sabi niya, babe wag ka magagalit ha, but I think something's wrong with your psychomotor skills. All this he got while I was attempting to open a can of tuna. Dude, I'm not domesticated. In a normal scenario, I wouldn't even be attempting to open a friggin' can of tuna. Someone does that for me at home. But I took the initiative because I knew he had a headache and I was thinking when was the last time he's eaten. I wanted to cook dinner for him so that he could spend time in bed to rest. Tapos mapipintasan pa ako ng ganon. What's worse was the insinuation that I should have it checked, like I was abnormal or something. Just because I can't open a friggin can of tuna properly. 

So I stopped talking to him for a while, and he tried to make amo. He blocked my path in the door, and I shoved him using my fists because he wouldn't let me through. Fine, that was wrong. Lol. But he wouldn't let me through! And he said that it hurt, which at first I didn't believe because I'm not that strong. 

Anyway, a few minutes later, his mood entirely shifted. He was banging pots and pans, and clearly making it known that he was angry. Sabi ko, nagdadabog ka ba? And he said, oo. I asked why, and he said, "ang sakit e." Hainako. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. Eto nanaman kami. 

He's now eating outside, while I'm inside sulking in my room, writing this entry. I know I should say sorry, but I also know that saying sorry while he's in this kind of mood will only make things worse. He won't accept my apology easily. And then I'll start to get defensive, and then I'll remember his earlier slight, and this will escalate into a full-blown fight. 

I thought we were doing so well. Sayang. And the market corrects.

Last night, I finally completed all 10 speeches in the Competent Communicator manual Whew. After two long years of TOPS membership, I finally, finally get upgraded from TM to CC!

Last night was particularly special for me because I was out of my comfort zone. True, I am used to speaking. I've spoken in front of audiences big and small--from an audience of 10, to an audience of 100,000+ (during the campaign season). I've spoken in a multitude of countries--from the Philippines, to Malaysia, to Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia, and even Bangladesh! I have a number of speaking awards, both local and international, and so others feel delivering Speech #10 should be easy for me. But it's not.

You see, I had to dig deep for the material for the speech. The goal was to inspire, and while I'm used to speaking to persuade (mostly by brute force and conviction, lol)-- I was not used to showing emotions when I am speaking. I thought the easiest way to make sure I forge an emotional connection with my audience, was to have my own personal connection with my speech. I had to feel strongly about the topic, and hopefully my sincerely intense emotions would be enough to move the audience. 

And so I chose a topic that until now, I feel strongly about. Bullying. I hate bullying, because once when I was a child, I was bullied too. I know the negative effects bullying has on one's self esteem, because once, I let bullies make me think I was worthless too. And then I thought, how can this painful episode in my life transcend a seemingly juvenile problem? How can the message be more all-encompassing, to include even those who were not bullied as children? I thought, while others are not bullied by people, they are bullied by life's circumstances. And I decided to include the story of how my grandfather, who was born dirt poor, managed to become one of our nation's most influential leaders during his time. 

I named my speech, "Push back"--short for the saying "When life pushes you, push back". I was agonizing over my material until the last minute before I spoke--hoping it would be enough to move the audience. As added pressure, it was the first time my mom would see me speak at toastmasters. She and Tito Fort came for my graduation, which was sweet but also nervewracking. I wanted to do extremely well.

And so I spoke, and I tried my best to remember my lines. In the middle of the story of how I was bullied, I had to take in a deep breath to calm my nerves. I was really feeling emotional, but I didn't know whether or not my gestures, facial expression and tone of voice were adequately conveying my emotions. I remember not knowing what to do with my hands. So I let go. I decided, I was just going to stand there to deliver my message. Who cares about the technicalities? If I overthink too much, I will only be bound to stumble. 

Before I knew it, my speech was over. I shook the toastmasters hand, I heard applause, and I immediately looked for Ulysses so I could collapse in his arms. I did it! It was over! I heard people talking, and the toastmaster saying, "a standing ovation please...", and I remember Ulysses nudging me, telling me that the toastmaster of the day was talking to me... but it was all a blur. All I could think of was that it's over. I've graduated. It's over!!!

It turns out I was so into my speech that I forgot to look at the time. I was undertime for the first time in recent memory! Instead of my usual 7 to 8 minute speeches, my graduation speech lasted only 6:58. There was a short debate / discussion whether or not I would be allowed to pass, or whether I should repeat, but my mentors decided I fulfilled the objectives of the speech, within time or not. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. I'll be getting my CC!

More importantly, people approached me during the break. At least 3 people (namely Joko, Liezel, and Marian) approached me saying they were almost in tears. Ralph confirmed that Joko indeed cried. Lol. And once I got home, I read a wall post from Michelle telling me that she's so happy she heard my speech, and that now she's convinced she too needs to "push back". Most of all, my mom was so proud. She said she twitted about my speech and how it exceeded all expectations. Another big sigh of relief. I am happy

I had two evaluators that evening--Jef and Jeeves--and at first I was nervous. What would they say? How horrible was my speech? And true to form, they showed me that in Toastmasters, there is no reason to fear evaluators. In fact, they inspired me to do better. Jeeves gave me much needed input on my recurring weakness: moving away from sheer passion and conviction (my strengths, since I've 5 years of debate to practice this) and moving towards openness and vulnerability and variety in vocals and actions. Love it. Jef told me something that I particularly appreciated. He said I should seek my audience. That there are kids bullied in schools, or underprivileged people bullied by circumstances in their lives that would benefit from hearing my speech. That was such a nice thing to hear, especially coming from a well-known motivational speaker like Jef. I am so happy and proud I didn't let either of them down, as I consider both of them true mentors in TM.

Now that I will be getting my CC, I want to push myself even further. Finishing that speech, I felt such a huge sense of accomplishment and growth that I want to do it again. This time, with the advanced modules. I want to take on something that terrifies me, to force me to grow and move out of my comfort zone. I will probably be getting the humorous or entertaining speaker, and/or both! Personally, I am inclined to take humorous. I am already thinking of my material.

Last night, I knew: this is what I want to be doing. This is my passion. Speaking. And who cares about all the awards I've received in the past, there is and always will be room for me to grow. To achieve, even more. And as long as I have this drive within me, as long as I keep on pushing myself to be even better, I know I'll be able to take this dream, this passion, this talent of mine to greater and greater heights  

Hurrrrray! I'm done!

I'm so proud of myself I was able to make an online database for our business in minutes I hope Uly likes the new system, and I hope it helps us keep better track of our sales and after-sales program.

I'm so hungry! It's now time to eat  

I've been very irritable lately (especially yesterday), and I think my poor sleeping habits may be the culprit.

Today, I slept at 4:30 a.m. and have been annoyingly woken up at 7:00 a.m. by an insensitive phone caller, and by several text messages by 9:00 a.m. Total uninterrupted sleep? Possibly 2 hours 30 minutes max. I realized I woke up for good at 9, pissed off at the world. I was cranky at our maids, and even now I'm just so freaking tired. What's worse is I have a meeting at 12 noon, so I really should get going in awhile. I also have to pay for my Cebupacific ticket, pay for wi-tribe, and pay for Globe while I'm at it. I intend to also increase money in my online trading account, in time for East West's first listing day on Monday. This is on top of the proposals I promised myself I'd finish before this week ends, and the week ends today. Arrrrgh.

I don't know exactly why I've been such an insomniac lately. I've been this way since last week--I find it hard to sleep at night. But since its affecting my health, my mood (and therefore also my relationship), I have to find a way to make things right. 

Arrrgh.

My two stock picks, AGI and EEI are up AGI has now reached P13, and its RSI is now moving up I believe the MACD has also crossed over. Re: EEI, no crossover yet, but I got in at 5.9 so I am still 4% up as of today's closing price of 6.26. Given that there has been no disclosure yet from EEI (and their annual report is already overdue--they promised to submit 15 days from April 16), I am sure its price san still increase. Let's just hope the annual report is delayed for positive reasons, lol.

Stocks I'm considering on investing for the long haul include BEL and MWC. Bel because it's in the gaming sector, and I'm expecting price to at least increase three-fold once its casino is already in operation by next year. Another is MWC, simply because its fundamentals are really good and it's a defensive stock. If a defensive stock like Meralco was able to increase from P8 / share to 250+ per share in a couple of 8 years, I am sure MWC can have a similar performance in 10 years. In fact, had I held on to my MWC shares from when I bought its IPO, I would be up by 400% today. Back then, I bought my shares for only P6.18. I prematurely sold at P9. 

Once I get my hands on more money to invest in the stock market, will definitely be investing in long-term stocks. Can't wait to get my hands on more money!

On other news, had a series of really successful meetings today. We are signing on a new speaker, someone with international experience and expertise. I am really excited for this new partnership. We have secured as well free facebook advertising for our upcoming forex seminar. Now I just have to finish some proposals--I have a huge backlog, and the guilt is eating at me.

Oh, and on non-business related talk, went to the beach with Cams yesterday. Happy to have spent time with her. Realized that all beaches almost look the same. I don't understand what all the fuss is with beaches -- time passes so slowly while you're isolated in an island. Nothing I could do but swim. I was in the water for a total of 3 hours, just because there was literally nothing else to do there. I am SO not an outdoor person. But I'm glad I went. It was something new, after all.

Dum-dum-dum. Lots of things to do. Have to do them now. Bye!

When we were younger, and we would visit the province, she was my favorite cousin. Among all my cousins, she was the most accommodating, or maybe, the least intimidated with me, and my shy brother. We would take walks and she would help us explore the little wonders of my father's town. She was prettier than me, although she would disagree, and I knew that together with her wit and strength, I thought that there was a good future ahead of her.

Her father passed when we were in college, and I witnessed her pain. She was her father's girl, and my father has a strong resemblance to her dad. But I was proud of her, when she proved her teacher wrong that with her beauty, she'll fall trap to one of her suitors and won't make it through first year college. She made it through second year, and third year...

On her fourth year, her boyfriend got her pregnant. Her slim body underneath loose shirts belied the fact that she was carrying my soon-to-be godson. She was then unable to finish the last semester of the school year, of which we were both to graduate in. My heart sank to find she would be a single mother, and scorned for being a financial burden to the family.

Occasionally, we would exchange messages, and I would ask how she is. Although confronted with several problems, she beams at the fact that he has a smart son, who presently turns out to be the top in class.  I tell her that someone will eventually take notice of her, but she dismisses the thought. She doesn't want to make the same mistake again.

Although dismayed by the fact that my undergraduate cousin has seemingly said goodbye to her/our dream of becoming a teacher, just to earn a living, I was optimistic of her going abroad to Singapore, even as a domestic helper. Even if she had doubts of being separated from her son, I told her that it's the same sacrifice that my parents have done for me, and it's for their future.

She left two months ago. Only to inform me, in a few days' time, that she was coming back. Her employer, who was also unbelievably Filipino, made her work around the house, when she thought that she was only there to tend the 2 kids. They were little monsters, who bit and punched, and rode on her back, with a mother who wouldn't let her tell the kids they were being bad. She only had one day-off in a month, and was not able to enjoy the city during her stay.

My aunt and other cousins in Singapore, came to her rescue and urged her to leave . Her employer, who did not want to pay for her ticket due to the early termination of contract, gave her salary which covered her ticket home. Her pasalubong for her son, was even just a gift from one of my cousins there. My dad and I fetched her from the airport, and despite her smiles, she looked tired, and sad. I told her that maybe next time will be better luck, and I hope this time, I'm right.

Before she left today, she gave me a carefully folded white sleeveless top and a grey blazer, which I never expected, but received as a token of her appreciation. In awe of her heartfelt gesture, I chose a bagful of my clothes and bags and gave it to her. We sent her off with another relative, bound for the province, and after 6 years of not seeing each other, it was time for another goodbye. I love her like the sister I never had, and I hope someday, life will be kind to her. Maybe our friendship has something to do with it.

So I got offered a free trip to Singapore, complete with accommodations, because of debate. 

I LOVE DEBATE. Haha. 

It was completely unexpected. I just received a message on FB asking if I wanted to be a subsidized judge. I've been retired for some time, so offers like these are rare and unusual. I am excited! 

Since they're paying for my airfare and my accommodations, and since I will be fed for free as long as the tournament is on-going, in stock market analogy this is a screaming "BUY!" I'm in! Only thing is, the latter part of May is really events-heavy for us (we have 2 seminars on May 19 and May 26, and our monthly stock market seminars will be on May 28, 29, 30 and 31), so Uly and I will have to work this out. 

I do want him to come along with me. I was thinking this is our opportunity to go abroad and also to explore Singapore and Malaysia as potential markets for our seminars. I will be adjudicating from May 19 to May 20, and I am sure from May 21 to May 23, I might be adjudicating some more but not at tournament pace. We should have time to meet up with Max and talk to the Filipino community there. We should also have enough time to enjoy some of Singapore's and Malaysia's attractions. Maybe in the evenings. 

I'm not sure if he will be up for it though. 1 week gone is a long time, especially with our forthcoming events on that week. In which case, I should be prepared to fly solo. I think I've never done that before!

Oh, and there's that possible teambuilding in Bohol early this May That's just one day, but they'll fly one of us in for free too! Hurray!

Anyway, I was advised by the adj core to already book my flights today so that they'll know how much to pay. Flights will be:

AIRPHILEXPRESS - Cheapest one-way to Singapore for only 4826 inclusive of fuel surcharge. 

They will purchase my ticket from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur on the 23rd. 

I intend to stay overnight at KL to maybe have some business meetings. I plan to come back to Manila by the 25th.

The cheapest one-way flight from KL is:

CEBUPACIFICAIR - 422.47 MYR inclusive of fuel surcharge, which is approximately 6,000 pesos. 

Essentially, my total cost for travel would be P6,000 + food and out-of-pocket expenses from May 21 to May 25 (or May 24, if I'm planning to just use KL as a stop-over). 

Just to be sure, I will be spending at least P16,000 all in all (P10,000 as a buffer for out of pocket expenses). More conservative estimate will be P20,000. Magkano ba ang airport travel tax?

If Uly and I go, super gastos pala. Paano kaya ito? Hmm hmm hmm.