I've slept for at least twelve hours today. That little head cold I had this morning is gone without a trace. Non-throbbing temples make Bruce a happy boy.

Being a daysleeper has its merits but at the moment I miss the sun. I like being able to bask in the heat and energy. I like being drowned in light.

Maybe that's why my skin is so brown.

- - - - - - - m - e - d - i - a - - - - - - -

While chatting with unbeknownst I made this doodle of Sammy, her guitar, using Macromedia Flash. It seems my mouse drawing skills haven't dulled too much over time.

Whoo! Just got home from a gig at Mayrics! That put a nice cap to my weekend.

A lot of things didn't push through; namely Friday game night at Japo's house (War of the Monsters on Playstation 2) and Sunday movie day with the CS gang but thank god the Sunday night gig at Mayrics pushed through.

At a quarter past nine me and Martin were guzzling beer and listening to Placid playing in Mayrics for the first time, their music giving off a reggae/tribal feel. The wooden block could do with better timing though. Next up was Helen featuring Jill. Dreamy music with great rifffs. I can't help smiling when the wah comes into play. Marty McFly moves in with some a classic rock n roll feel while 7 Foot Junior wraps up the night with a almost-but-not-quite-catchy song about lost love.

Finally met Jill (and Sammy) in person.

A Burger Machine burger in my tummy, a handful of Songhits and a memory of a good night I'm off to sleep, with a smile.

Edited: May 4, 2004 thanks to unbeknownst

I had a dream last night. A dream so vivid that it felt more real than life.

- - - - - -

I'm sitting on a bed in a large white room. There are no lights or windows, yet the room is incredibly bright. There's a single door in front of me but I know better than to open it.

A loud knock.

"Who is it?" I shout.

"Alpha." He answers from the other side.

I get up and walk to the door. I look through the spyhole.

It's like looking into a mirror. The face I see on the otherside is my own. But this face is rougher, its features sharper. Alpha has always looked like that, like a statue carved from stone.

"How long do I have?" I ask him.

"Tonight, Beacon. Your time ends when the moon turns red."

I laugh out loud. The lunar eclipse. Alpha always liked grand entrances.

"Have you been tending your fold?" Alpha asks. His voice is heavy with meaning.

I shudder. It's been twelve years since he went to sleep, yet he has missed nothing. You cannot keep secrets from yourself.

"I've tried my best." I mutter.

A minute of silence passes.

"Say your goodbyes. Tonight I will take your place." he says.

The sound of Alpha's footsteps cause the door to rattle on its hinges.

I walk back to the bed and lay down. This is the last time I will lie in it, I think. It saddens me to leave it, but I think this is for the best.

"Goodbye."

- - - - - -

For me this is a disturbing dream. The names Alpha and Beacon refer to a time in my life (I think I was 14 years old) when I imagined myself as a schizophrenic. I even distinguished my five personalities, writing down their individual characteristics and making a symbol for each. I've lost the original notebook I drew/wrote in but I've recreated it from memory and posted it down below.

	Alpha The strongest of the Five. Also called "The First". He is a leader that is willing to sacrifice everything to care for those under him. He is righteous and willfull. He has a strong sense of pride and does not take losing lightly.
	Beacon Beacon also has a strong sense of leadership but prefers to assert himself in a subtle manner. He keeps himself at a distance, a trait which makes him appear apathetic, but in truth he cares deeply for others.
	Goldentongue The one with the most charm and tact. He goes out of his way to help others but only when it will benefit his own situation. He is an expert negotiator and a peacemaker.
	Lonestar The most ambitious of the Five. He picks his friends carefully, allowing only a select few to get close to him. He is ruthless and will do anything to succeed.
	The Lost When times are hard The Lost surfaces. His iron will allows him to survive both physical and mental turmoil. Unfortunately he also has a tendency to alienate others, even those whom he loves dearly.

It's been years since I last thought of these things. I wonder why it's resurfacing now, and in my dreams of all places.

I'm off to Baguio for the weekend. Sorry I didn't tell you guys but the invite only came last night. See ya monday.

- - - - m - e - d - i - a - - - -

I just felt like posting this thing. It used to be the header image for my old website, "Halfway to Nowhere" which is due for a ressurection as soon as I have the cash. For now it's here for all to enjoy.



- - - - q - u - i - z - z - e - s - - - -


You are a white dragon, pure and noble, you would
help humans if they desprately need you. YOu
are kind and wise with a heart of gold.


Which Dragon resides in your soul? (cool pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a PHOENIX in your soul and your
wings make a statement. Huge and born of flame,
they burn with light and power and rebirth.
Ashes fall from your wingtips. You are an
amazingly strong person. You survive, even
flourish in adversity and hardship. A firm
believer in the phrase, 'Whatever doesn't kill
you only makes you stronger,' you rarely fear
failure. You know that any mistake you make
will teach you more about yourself and allow
you to 'rise from the ashes' as a still greater
being. Because of this, you rarely make the
same mistake twice, and are not among the most
forgiving people. You're extremely powerful and
wise, and are capable of fierce pride, passion,
and anger. Perhaps you're this way because you
were forced to survive a rough childhood. Or
maybe you just have a strong grasp on reality
and know that life is tough and the world is
cruel, and it takes strength and independence
to survive it. And independence is your
strongest point - you may care for others, and
even depend on them...but when it comes right
down to it, the only one you need is yourself.
Thus you trust your own intuition, and rely on
a mind almost as brilliant as the fire of your
wings to guide you.You are eternal and because
you have a strong sense of who and what you
are, no one can control your heart or mind, or
even really influence your thinking. A symbol
of rebirth and renewal, you tend to be a very
spiritual person with a serious mind - never
acting immature and harboring a superior
disgust of those who do. Likewise, humanity's
stupidity and tendency to want others to solve
their problems for them frustrates you
endlessly. Though you can be stubborn,
outspoken, and haughty, I admire you greatly.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Three days in baguio. Three days worth of stories to tell. Yet at the moment this is all that fills my mind.

- - - - Song Bird - - - -

Her eyes close and her mouth opens. High note. Low note. Everything in between. The words and their meanings are lost to me as the sound fills my head. I'm swimming in a sea of sirens beckoning me to dream. I'm flying over the twinkling city lights. I'm lost and found and lost again with every verse, every refrain. She holds the moment in her elegant hands, she pulls on my puppet strings.

- - - - Shy Girl - - - -

She's been staring out the window for an hour, her chin resting on the knuckles of her hand, her elbow propped against the window frame. She turns her head, her eyes dart in my direction. I'm watching her through slitted eyes, pretending to be asleep. I am amused.

I shift in my seat, allowing my leg to touch hers. She flinches as if she'd been pinched, but allows the contact to linger. Soon she takes her elbow off of the window frame. She folds her hands on her lap. Her tension dissipates and her head lolls to the side. Her thigh leans against mine. I am amused.

- - - - Silk Smoker - - - -

Breathe in.

She drags on the cigarette, then pulls it away. A wisp of smoke escapes from her lips. It hangs in the air like a strip of silk, twisting and turning in the cold wind. It floats upward, stopping for but a moment to caress her cheek. She puckers her lips ever so slightly.

Breathe out.

- - - - End - - - -

Let's Rock!ayan ha. tama na yung time. 9pm po! WHAT: MHS band audition WHEN: May 15, Sat, 9pm WHERE: Freedom Bar, Anonas Please pass by and support us! Entrance is 100 Pinoy pesoses, with one free bottle of that sweet and lovely alcoholic drink, beer! There's a prod after the audition, featuring Makiling Ensemble, Silent Sanctuary, Nityalila, and Paramita. Here's the Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Watch MHS! We just really, really need your support! Thanks loads, and rock and roll, folks! *disclaimer: I am not a band member. avid supporter lang. tenkyew art by bruce

I'm working on a poster for Frustrated an upcoming open-mic event. I've adapted one of Alfons Mucha's works and come up with a good design. The problem is that I can't make the woman look like a beat poet.

So what do you think people? More bling? Less bling? Different accessories? Different hat? I'm in a rut people. And I want to get this done by Sunday. Help!

Freedom Bar. Figure out who is going.

Frustrated Poster. Redesign the pose.

Drink water. A bit too much alcohol last night. Now I'm dehydrated.

Pay the bills. My parents left a bundle of money. Sixty-three thousand pesos. Don't know what it's for or whose it from. Just know that an engineer is going to pick it up. I'm trying not to stare at the package. Look but don't touch. Touch but don't take. Take but don't spend. Ugh. I hate money.

Name my car. It's Serena's and Angellina's fault. They make me envy.

Back Rub. Somehow, someway, I am going to massage my lower back. Whenever I move it feels like it's being removed and reattached to my spine. Ouch.

Freedom Bar: Part Deux. Pick people up. Go.

MHS. Rock.

Freedom Bar: Fin. Bring people home.

End. Sleep.

---

You are the baobabs.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

Quiz again. Blame Martin and Unbeknownst. I'm a destroyer. Natto.

Hangin in my friends house here in QC. Beer, smokes and Dawson's Creek marathon(wtf?!?). Went to the Freedom Bar gig last night but only stayed for MHS and Silent Sanctuary. The next band after Silent was...

Here's a quiz for you guys.



Thug Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



Sigh. The weekend... ends again. Back to sweat and tears and smoke trails filled with worry.

Busy busy. I haven't been able to stay online longer than ten minutes. Argh. I'm starting to miss chatting and blog crawling.

Dreamt one of "those" dreams again. This one isn't as eerie as the last one but it's harder to interpret. I still don't have any idea what it's supposed to mean.

Am! Pa BS dream analysis uli! Hehe. And thanks for the turtle.

- - - - - - -

I’m in the bright room again. Piles of papers are scattered on the bed. I’m sitting on the floor. The sound of television static fills the room. Someone is awake.

“Alpha?” a voice says from the other side of the door.

“Yes, Lost?” I say in my monotone.

The Lost laughs; a hollow, artificial sound.

“So it is you. Any of the others would have panicked.” He replies.

I’m getting annoyed. I’m busy at the moment. I don’t want to talk.

“You opened a window?” He asks.

“Just a crack.”

“Why? It’s unlike you.”

“Listen. You’ll understand.”

The Lost holds his breath. The static fades away and the air is filled with a gentler sound. A low rumbling, like the sound of a small motor.

“A cat?” The air is crackling again.

“Yes.”

“You let a cat in the room?”

“No. I opened the window just enough to hear her purring. I was enjoying it, too, before you interrupted.”

The Lost is laughing again. The hair on my arms stand on end. Of the Five, I hate him the most.

“Go back to sleep, Lost. You’re not needed here.”

“I’ll sleep light. You may need me soon. Be careful Alpha. Cats and dogs don’t get along well.”

The static fades and I’m alone again. I close my eyes and listen to the droning sound of the cat’s purr.

Maybe I’ll open the window, just a bit more.

Maybe.

- - - - - - -

Confused? Maybe you need to read about the previous dream.

So I finally got around to fleshing out the 2nd rough sketch for the Frustrated poster. Better? Worse?

and before i forget..
FRUSTRATED
[this is my release]

Big Sky Mind
May 26 8pm

entrance at 75



Changes made:
- head position
- added a book
- cigarette
- mic stand (she looks awkward holding both a cig and a mic)

It's scheduled for finalization, inking and coloring tomorrow. Pray that my parents don't dump their accounting on me again.

In other news, I've found that I can type a document while watching a movie. In two days I've finished the entire Serial Experiments: Lain and Neon Genesis Evangelion series while filling up Excel spreadsheets on the side. The drawback is that I type slower but at least I haven't made any errors yet.

Now I leave you with a jaw-dropping display of CG animation for a new season of Appleseed.

Just came home from KSP Bar & Grill where MHS had a gig. First of all I didn't expect much.

The start sucked.

- Rain
- A dozen unknown bands (to me at least)
- Only three songs each
- Colt ICE = apple juice
- Rice paper lamps
- Bamboo ceiling and blinds
- Paintings of farmers and breastfeeding
- Dying mic
- Bass amp with built in distortion

But then things happened.

- Short short skirt
- Cute shaggy 360 degree hair
- 15 minutes of Halik ni Hudas
- Hendrix cover
- Mouth playing guitarist
- Drunk driver
- Shredder kneels to percussionist
- Beep beep beep beep

If you don't get it too bad. You had to be there

After 7 hours, a 0.1 Rotring disposable tec pen, two jumbo coffees, chicken curry, a broken ruler and a sore wrist, the Frustrated poster is finally finished.



Final notes:

- Tried using color pencils. Took an hour to color just the right side of the hair. Quit and opted for Photoshop.
- Removed the rings on book hand since the area was getting too cluttered. It's better to have the focus on top near the text.
- Retained the cigarette at the request of Kahel. Tough luck to the anti-smoking people.
- Hand kept on mic cuz I think it looks elegant.
- Started with brown hair but it looked to dull so I made it a golden brown (even though pinoys are all dark brown/black haired)
- Purple set as the main color due to the glasses being purple.
- Not quite satisfied with the fontage but it's the best I can do.
- Special thanks to Adobe Photoshop, magic wand, grain filter and air brush pressure 3% for making this poster possible.

Thanks for all of your comments! Apologies to those I weren't able to reply to but I swear I read them all.

Now one last favor: Go to Frustrated!

just to remind you folks..

FRUSTRATED 2

this is my release

open mic night
open jam, poetry reading, art exhibit

big sky mind
may 26 8 pm
entrance at 75

bands playing:

tony and the chickyboys
seadogs
scherzo
stolenplates
weedisneys
lost
valet parking
mika and friends

---

Fun weekend at Japo's house. This is more for my personal use than anything else but you're free to read it. I'm sure someone will find it humorous.

Phase 1:

Car almost overheated. Played Super Smash Bros Melee a.k.a. Onimusha Blade Warriors. Saw Dyan with frog eyes. Cooked some good pork belly. Fell asleep reading a book.

Phase 2:

Woke up. Went to Celebrity Place. Went to Don Enrique. Awed by the number of carved wood ornaments. Back to Celebrity Place. Over to Jomar's house. Back to Celebrity Place. Over to Xavierville. Went to a thanksgiving party held for the violent death of Jhonel Mendiola. Met Am's ate. Drew Michelangelo's "The Creation of Man" on my fogged windshield. Groceries at talipapa. Cleaned house. Found my toothbrush. Used it. Watched Star Wars: Episode II, then Sealab 2021. Laughed a lot. Japo cooked Sinigang na Tubig (with a dash of pork). We ate it. Watched Teen Titans & TMNT for the first time. Broke out the brandy-coke. Japo gets drunk. Sound tripping on everything from K's Choice to Razorback to The Darkness to Brak (yeah buddy!). Went to Makati to pick up Am. Dyan drove. Japo sang. Stopped to let Japo piss four times. Made a lot of U-turns. Picked up Am and friend. Greeted the sunrise. Got back to Japo's. Hung out. They slept. I surfed. Fell asleep on the keyboard. Woke up and moved to fall asleep on the dining table. Moved of the table and slept on two chairs pushed together. (Somehow) injured my upper arm.

Phase 3:

Woke up. Went to air-con'd room. Left after fifteen minutes. Continued reading the book from other day. Ate breakfast. Drank beer. Let Black One sleep on my lap. Watched MTV. Made breakfast for Dyan. Watched Dawson's Creek. Borrowed a maroon shirt from Japo. Sang in the shower. Was called Romnic Santiago (for rolling up my sleeves). Saw Dyan as Nina. Saw Am as generic towel-clad boldstar (sabay pag mag ahaay!). Saw Japo's weird shooting game. Listened to Dream Theatre. Went to SM North. Ate a sumo meal by myself while 90's alternative rock played. Found a nice pair of shades. Found a nice chain neckalce at Silver Works. Saw red puppy at Egg. Checked price of Butterfly knife. Hung out in food court. Saw SM North Dance Troupe. Went to cinema. Met a commercial model. Saw Romnic Santiago (napaka Star-Studded ng day na 'to). Watched Skrek 2. Laughed a lot. Home. Chat with mom. Hot water bottled my arm. Blogged.

End.

Edit: Also rediscovered my crowd clearing abilities while walking in the mall.

So my parents tell me to apply at De Los Santos School of Nursing. After half a year of telling me to go to San Beda they suddenly change their tune.

All I can say is: "Oh."

On the up side it's closer to home (the place is on E. Rodriguez). I'll be able to get home early and catch up on my drawing and babysit my sister. It's also cheaper. That's a big factor. My mother is also friends with the daughter of the dean (I'm assuming the dean is around 60+ years old) so it should be easy for me to get in.

On the down side I'll have to practice my poker face and eye roll. It's summer of 2003 all over again. Here's a sample conversation from one of my tita's.

"What school do you plan to go to now?"

"De Los Santos School of Medicine."

"Oh..."

-silence-

"Where is that?"

"E. Rodriguez."

-more silence-

"And you used to be an Atenean?"

"..."

-pity look and pat on the back-

- - - - - - - -

Pity. I hate pity. It annoys me that people think my life is swirling down the toilet. News flash people: I'm happy. Not happy by your standards but by mine. I'm doing what I want, the way I want to.

Ugh. I need a drink. And a smoke. And a nice double espresso.

- - - - - - - -

/ / / / / / MAJOR EDIT HERE! / / / / / /

Whoa there. I think I'd better expound on this before any more people get the wrong idea.

On my parents:

When I started my rebllion against them it was absolute chaos. We'd be fighting almost every night and there were tears, insults and threats flying all over the place. We fought for three years but last year we finally came to a compromise.

My parents give me a lot of freedom. They know that grounding me, cutting off my allowance and ordering me around doesn't work anymore. They treat me like an adult and they respect my decisions even when they don't agree with me. They give me advice and give me a lecture from time to time but they know that I will always act on my own.

I love them and I wouldn't trade them for anyone or anything else.

On school:

When I was kicked out of Ateneo it was a blessing in disguise. That arrogant streak that I had was forcibly beaten out of me and I think I'm a better person because of it. I have no bitterness toward that incident.

Also, I don't mind having to go to De Los Santos. In fact I think it'll be good for me. Classes will be easier (hopefully) the tuition is much less (God knows how much trouble money is these days) and I'll be able to take care of my sister (who I love even though she's a royal pain in the ass).

When they told me I'd be going to De Los Santos I was a bit surprised, but not at all angry. While I have dreams of making a living as an artist I know that it's better to have a college degree to fall back on.

On why I'm annoyed:

I don't like lying or making up excuses. When I'm asked "What happened to you?" I say "I got kicked out of ADMU because I'm a lazy bum who didn't study and hence my QPI did not meet the standard for retention." That's followed by the usual lecture about the importance of an education and discipline and a "When I was your age..." story.

What irks me is that people look at me and nod their heads and cluck their tongues and treat me like a bird with clipped wings. I don't want that pity. I don't need it.

They expect me to be broken up inside, to be regretful and repentant. They think that I'm struggling through life, fighting inner demons. They think they know better, but they don't.

I'm happy. I'm free. If I succeed, it will be through my own effort. If I fail, I'll have no one to blame but myself.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

Made a sketch of the cute female guitarist i mentioned in this previous post.

Also made a self-portrait that's accurate instead of cartoony. This'll give you an idea why i can scatter people when I walk in the mall.

EDIT: so Martin says this girl is actually a guy. Shiyeeeet!! I'm going to go gouge my eyes out with the a burning cigarette butt now.

The day starts off with me and Van hangin' out here in Ghills. It's been so long since I've seen her that we had a lot of catching up to do. People think it's weird that she's my BFF even though she's my ex-GF, but well.. screw them!

A little gin and we're on the road. Brought her home to Bulacan and we had a mini-doobie session in the car. Damn my Mitsu Lancer still smells like weed.

Then I'm home and chowing on kielbasa and change my shirt for the third time today. Then off to Frustrated.

Place is full so we hang outside. I get to stare at a smooth pair of legs for 15 minutes. Too bad the top didn't match the bottom. Oh, take note. She was wearing white.

Lost plays and Jopoy gets flamed and I hear K's Choice Not an Addict for the third time. Dyan's right. That song is really catchy.

Then it's McDonalds where I wash the stain off my fave white shirt (danged pentel pen) and Echo shows off his body mass moving powers as he dodges a torrent of coke. I tipped the glass. Guess I was tipsy by then.

Then We're upstairs of Big Sky chillin on the balcony then on the sofa and I see my twin (Echo named him butch) and then Joey and the Chickee Boys are on and I'm tappin to the beat. They do Sting's Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic and I'm happy.

Then we're outside again passin time and cracking jokes and converting nursery rhymes into funky beat poe-tree. From Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to Old McDonald had a farm. The farm rocks. Rock!

We're supposed to crash Jino's place and finish up Echo's sake but Jino's inner poet emerges and he bugs us to stay 'til the readings. So we stay.

The poe-tree is.. okay I guess. I didn't listen to it much 'cuz the starters were really bad. I guess it got better as the night went on (just like the music did) since soon people we're crowding the doorway.

The Red Horse runs out and I'm stuck with a San Mig which, horror of horror's, pushed me to the edge. The last drink I drank was a light. Shame.

Echo, Jino and Eumir leave. I would've left too 'cept my mom texted and told me to go pick her up. Damn. What timing.

Then I'm outside Big Sky with Jeff, Cheri and Allah and I'm shakin' my head to clear the mess. I'm shifting from Tagalog to English which is a bad sign.

Finally, right before I'm left behind, my phone rings and It's like a buzzer beater from the free throw line in the last quarter to win the game. Thank you Lord.

I make it to my car and find the left headlight popped out and a gash in my bumper. Goddemit. I push the light back in and drive over to fetch my mom. She knows that I smoke and I drink but she don't know no doobie. Thankfully she couldn't recognize the smell.

And now I'm home with a pang in my head but I'm determined to blog so that tomorrow when I wake up sober I can laugh at what I wrote.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Or rather, today is Thursday. Gig at Freedom Bar featuring Helen. Click here to see Jill's blog for more details.

Tomorrow is Friday. Drinking at Japo's place.

Next day is Saturday. B-day party at Van's. More drinking.

I'm lovin' livin' the vida loca, baby.

Last night I was driving my Lancer back to La Brea where the party was at. Van's riding shotgun. Dave, Jopax and William are in the backseat. There's a hump up ahead so I slow down to about 5 kph.

Bump.

I look to the left.

There's a dead body on the road.

Bump.

I feel like I'm in bullet time as I assess the sitauation. There are more than a dozen people outside. They've only just noticed that there's a corpse on the street. Some of them are pointing at the body. Others are looking at us.

Do I stop or go?

The dead man is six feet to the left of my car. He has a wound on his left shoulder and he's lying in a pool of blood two feet in diameter. If this had been a car accident, his injury would have been in the legs; something I learned from CSI. It's not likely that we could be blamed for this.

But not everyone watches CSI.

I decide to ignore the dead man and keep on driving. Steady pace. Don't rush. Don't draw attention. And then Jopax has to open his mouth.

"May patay sa kalye oh!"
("There's a corpse on the street!")

I pretend to be surprised and slow down a bit. The guys in the backseat are craning their necks to take a look. There are more people on the street now and I can feel tension in the air.

I nudge the gas. Again, I'm taking it slow. We're mere meters away from the village gate but it feels like an hour getting there. Another hump.

Bump.

Bump.

Click.

The guard shuts the gate behind us. We're safe once more.

- - - - - - - -

Thinking back, I wonder what would have happened if I'd stopped the car. Maybe that man was still breathing. We could've rushed him to the hospital. He could've been saved. We'd be heroes.

Or maybe the residents would have blamed us, dragged us out of the car and beaten us within an inch of our lives.

The decision I made was not the most noble. I'm not proud of it. But I don't regret it either.

In life, you look out for your own.

I woke up at 4pm and right of the bat my parents dumped a load of paperwork on me. Alternating texting with typing it felt to me like I'd been working for just thirty minutes. Then I looked out the window. The sun was gone.

Being loadless most of the time, I never got into that craze. But now I think I understand why some people can finish 300 pesos in the span of a day. Time doesn't seem to move so slow when you're waiting for someone to text a reply.

And now I'm loadless again. Eeep.